


Sleepless in the Bed of the Idiotic Human Known as Dirk Strider

by rorrim eht ni eno ehT (rorrimehtnienoehT)



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Caliborn being Tsundere, Cuddling & Snuggling, Gen, M/M, Sleep, Sleepovers, TSuuNDERE, or should i say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-02
Updated: 2012-09-02
Packaged: 2017-11-13 10:06:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/502325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rorrimehtnienoehT/pseuds/rorrim%20eht%20ni%20eno%20ehT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is NOT UNDYINGUMBRAGE (but you're making everyone call you that anyways) and you SHOULD HAVE FUCKING REALIZED that something like this was BOUND TO HAPPEN.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleepless in the Bed of the Idiotic Human Known as Dirk Strider

Your name is undyingUmbrage and you currently find yourself in a very unpleasant situation. Well, undyingUmbrage isn’t your real name, which you’re pretty damn glad about. Honestly, it seems like it would be an utterly shitty name for anyone to have. But, unlike your “sister”, you’re not gonna give out your _real_ name to any idiot who accidentally stumbles across this stupid story. If you had any friends they would probably refer to you as “uu”- but as luck would have it, you don’t have any, so that problem doesn’t really come up.

 

Well, _maybe_ that human Dirk Strider could be counted as one. Not that you would. But that leads back to your unpleasant situation; you’re assured in the fact that this IS the most unpleasant situation the reader could ever imagine. EVER.

 

You're trapped in Strider's bed – and no, you have not been doing any distasteful and nauseating activities that humans apparently do in bed together. You only know that _at all_ because Dirk decided to make a joke about it earlier.

 

You're trapped in Dirk Strider's bed, with Dirk Strider's arm across your stomach, and Dirk Strider's _hand grasping yours,_ which is the reason why you really can't get up. Not to mention the fact that the Strider’s other arm somehow wound under your neck, so you feel his breath as it falls on your cheek and hear his quiet exhales against your ear.

 

To be quite honest, it’s driving you completely insane.

 

Observant and vaguely intelligent readers will wonder at this point of the story what could bring a smart and clever person like you to get into a situation like this. It's a little ­difficult- and by difficult, you mean _ridiculously embarrassing_ \- for you to answer this question.

 

You've been spending the day at Dirk's because, as you said before, he is the closest thing you have to a friend. Even you have to admit that he can be a pretty cool dude. You played some of his so called ‘video games’, although they were nowhere near up to par with devious games you yourself can come up with. (You made sure to vocalize this to Dirk as much as possible. Irritatingly, he just ignored you.)

 

Afterwards, you had him draw some pornography, of the himself-and-Roxy variety. You found it utterly salacious. You drew a masterpiece for him in return, but he sadly did not seem to appreciate the sentiment.  Not that you actually needed his appreciation, of course. You simply wanted to add some sophistication and salaciousness to his house. It was only his loss that his taste isn’t up to par with yours.

 

_Anyway._

 

The two of you ended up watching one of Dirk's horrible movies about some alien creature with four legs and huge eyes who lives in a forest with all his furry friends. Dirk told you it was the only film without any pornographic scenes he owns, to which you weren’t particularly surprised. You both had made yourself comfortable on Dirk's bed, kicking out a bunch of his disturbing puppets in the process. Since the bed was still too small for both you and the blonde to lie next to each other without touching, you ended up with your side pressing against Dirk’s, his arm draped across your shoulders.

 

Though it had been easy to see through his lie about conserving space, you decided to play along for now, if only to get his guard down.

 

You spent a while watching the movie like this with the Strider at your side, quietly laid out next to each other, until you suddenly noticed Dirk’s breath was growing longer and steadier, which you knew to be a sign of a human going into rest mode.

 

“Dirk...” you said, frowning at his audacity, but his only response was a low humming.  You hesitated, and then reached over for the remote lying to your left to turn off the movie.

But Dirk somehow noticed and grabbed your wrist to stop you, knocking the remote off the bed in the process. Unlike your species, humans appeared to have a very low inhibition threshold when it comes to touching others in pornographic ways. Dirk doesn't understand how much indignity you must suffer on his behalf, however.

 

You tried to free yourself from his grip, insulting him under your breath while doing so, but made sure to refrain from using your claws. As fragility seemed to be a natural trait in human beings, you always found it important to be as gentle as possible. He had better be grateful to you, you decided.

 

But your small kindness during the little struggle cost you your victory to him and so, the remote was pulled away from your grasp. But, at this point, that didn’t even cross your mind.

 

Because all you could think about was how close he was and that he's touching you, almost to the point of a _human hug._ You wanted to pull away, or- even better- push him away, but neither of those options was actually possible because:

A) For being from such a weak race the Strider’s grip was surprisingly strong, and

B) He was laying in such a way that there was nowhere _to_ push him.

 

A satisfied smile spread on Dirk's lips as he snuggled closer to you, intertwining his fingers with yours. You decided to just let him be then with his slutty ways, but _only_ because getting out of Dirk's hold wouldn't really be worth the effort. Sure, it was really annoying- _and not enjoyable at all, fuck you very much!-_ staying by his side, but it just wasn’t worth the effort to force his hand away.

 

Besides, it was much more bearable then dealing with him when he was awake enough to make rude comments.

 

And now here you are, stuck with a resting human doing near pornographic things to you while you can’t do anything about it. At least, that’s what you tell yourself.

 

Soon after Dirk's body goes to stand-by mode, the film comes to an end and is replaced by a series of pictures with no visible connection to each other. You stare at the image of a human and an unknown alien creature for a few seconds, before you let your eyes travel further across the room. It’s full of foreign items that even a highly-advanced life form such as yourself doesn’t know the purpose of. But you assume, as the blonde seems to enjoy them, they’re most likely completely useless anyway.

 

The walls are plastered with even more pictures; photographs and drawings, maps and posters, surprisingly not all of the pornographic variety. Right next to the TV screen is a map of some island, probably the one which is home to the human Jake that Strider was so fond of. You feel an unpleasant sensation at the sight, but shrug it off. It’s most likely nausea.

 

Strider's affection for the human Jake is indeed very disgusting. Not because it’s special in any way to you, of course, but simply because _any_ sort of tender affection disgusts you terribly… or so you keep telling yourself.

 

You force yourself to focus on something different, as for example the apparatus beneath the map. It’s  placed on a pile of bricks and looks similar to what is called a microwave in your culture. But you highly doubt that humanity could ever even dream of inventing such a beautiful and complex technology.

 

On top of the apparatus there's another one of Strider's ridiculous puppets. He’s explained to you that they are not ridiculous at all, that they are treated like gods in human culture and that they are almost as powerful. You have no idea what gods are, -not that you even pay enough attention to _care_ \- but you still find the puppets really fucking stupid.

 

Almost as stupid as the portraits of the creatures that inhabit earth called “horses”. They have four legs with strange feet and fur, a bit like the creature in the movie you watched with Dirk. One of the pictures is a drawing of a horse that has blue fur and a rainbow coloured mane. It looks especially dumb. Only morons- like the blond beside you- could ever like it.

 

The only window in the room is on the southern wall of the room, and as far as you remember you've never seen it closed. You have a clear (and you supposed a stupid human might even beautiful) view of the sky from where you’re sprawled, as there are no blinds to block the way.

 

Under the window you spot a wooden plate on a couple more bricks, apparently serving as a table. You have a vague idea of the circumstances on Earth after it was conquered by the alien empress and the situation Strider is in. Despite the ridiculous decoration, you suppose the room isn’t _that_ bad.

 

But then another sick puppet comes into view and you rethink your conclusion.

 

The second table in his room is built like the first one, only a little higher. You spot a PC on it and various pieces of robots Strider seemed to be working on. While the designs are especially stupidly _stupid_ , you couldn’t help but find the technology quite impressive. Well, to acceptable standards at least.

 

The most outstanding creation of his, in your opinion, are his shades, which lay beside his keyboard and are still running several programmes at the moment. It isn't like you’re particularly interested in them- but there’s not much to do in your current position, so you reached for them to entertain yourself for a while, maybe go through Strider's chat logs with his idiotic friends and other private files.

 

You almost have your fingers on the shades when a weird sensation makes you freeze in place. Glancing about the room for any possible threat, you find yourself looking right into the unsettling blue eyes of Strider's favourite puppet. The one he refers to as 'Lil Cal'. It sat on the smaller desk, right beside the window.

 

You’re more than 100% positive that it wasn't there before.

 

You flinch – only because you were surprised to see him, of course, not because you were _actually scared_ – and press yourself a bit closer to the human beside you.

 

The puppet seems to give you a weird look, almost as if pleased by your reaction. You glare back at it, angry at the juju’s insolence. Strider grumbles lowly beside you, tightening his grip around your hand almost protectively. Heat rises in your cheeks from the force of your anger. Well, maybe not your anger, so much as-

 

 _No._ In no way, shape, or form are your thoughts heading in that direction. In the words of that one nonsensical human phrase, “Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars.”

 

Once again, you struggle to free your hand from his grip. But in all honesty, even you have to admit to yourself your heart isn’t really all that in this time around.

 

His hand is so soft and warm against the cool leathery surface of your own. It causes a tingly sensation to slowly spread across your whole body, making it impossible for you to calm down and find any rest.

 

From his nice high resting spot, Lil Cal smirks at you mockingly. Damn that stupid puppet.

 

You decide to glare at Dirk instead. Not because his juju scares you- only _an idiot_ would be scared by it! - But because you think the resting human deserves it more. This _is_ his entire fault, after all.

 

“Stupid human,” you mutter under your breath. He doesn’t even know what he's doing to you. Fuck, _you_ barely know. But it’s making you angry and confuses you and plainly drives you insane.

 

And the worst thing about it is that no matter how much you want to, no matter how much you hate Strider for what he's doing, you could never kill him, like you would do to any other creature to invade your personal space in such an obscene manner.

 

But when he wakes up in the morning, you're going to pretend to be asleep because you'd rather bite your own leg off than ever let him know _that._


End file.
